The Vastly Inappropriate Exploits Of
by PhWoMp
Summary: Come, gather round, as I tell you the tales of a powerful guild. Their misadventures are just as grand and enjoyable as their triumphs. These are the vastly inappropriate exploits of Fairy Tail. [Collection of Short stories]
1. Prologue

**~The Vastly Inappropriate Exploits Of...~ **

**FAIRY TAIL**

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_Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail, or any of it's characters._

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**Prologue **

In the beautiful land of Magnolia, there lived a large guild, called Fairy Tail. It's mages were legends around the magnificent town, but not all stories were that of heroism and bravery. Oh no. For you see, Fairy Tail was a guild filled with perverts, idiots and creepers; sure, they were exceptionally powerful, and loyal beyond belief. That didn't change the fact that these particular mages could sometimes do and say ludicrous things.

I shall tell you the legend of these men and woman of Fairy Tail; the most powerful, crazy and idiotic individuals in all the land. Gather round young boys and girls, but beware; for the tales that I weave are no lies, but the actual accounts of the vastly inappropriate exploits of Fairy Tail.

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_**Just a very short introduction to my newest collection of short stories! These are going to be based off of very dirty jokes or experiences, so if you're easily offended or hate horrible jokes, this isn't the story for you! **_

_**I'm always willing to take suggestions, so if you have an embarrassing joke or story, let me know and I might just make it into a chapter! I will try to update everyday! **_

_**Hope you enjoy!**_


	2. Chapter One: Natsu Dragneel

**~The Vastly Inappropriate Exploits Of...~ **

**Chapter One: Natsu Dragneel**

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_Disclaimer: do not own Fairy Tail, or any of it's characters._

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He spent hours admiring her from across the guild, cursing himself under his breath for what he was about to do. Usually he would just let his spontaneous personality take control and never think twice about what he says, however this was difficult for him. He had never said anything so rash and stupid in his life, and this was coming from the mouth of Natsu Dragneel. Why did he go to that lecherous asshole for advice? That's right, he had more experience with this shit, not to mention he knew what his crush liked. He had a bad feeling about this, but desperate times call for desperate measures. He wanted to make his confession unique, he had planned to make it romantic, but was advised against it- strongly against it. Loki was very clear with his instructions- woo her with words, and not just any words would do.

He had spent the entire night rehearsing the lines that Loki had given him, nausea and disgust filled him every time the words tumbled from his lips. This just seemed wrong, but Natsu knew that no matter what he said or did, she was always forgiving. He prayed that this would work, he couldn't stand holding back his feelings any longer.

He had mentally scolded himself time and time again for not just shouting out his desires as he always had. This whole thing could have been avoided; the sleepless nights, the awkward silences between him and Lucy, the constant need to attack anything or one that came within 3 feet of the woman. It was starting to get out of hand.

He sighed deeply one last time and stood to his feet. He walked swiftly and silently towards the beautiful blond mage that was sitting at the bar, a drink in her hand and a smile on her face. The knot in his stomach grew tighter and for possibly the first time in his life, he was feeling a little over-heated. He leaned his head forward, so that his lips brushed the side of her neck right under her ear.

"Natsu!" the sudden presence of the dragon slayer startled the blond. Before she had the chance to turn and face him, his arms reached forward and trapped her between the bar and himself.

"Please, Lucy. Don't shout, just listen," he whispered gently into her ear, his gut twisting uncomfortably, "I have... I..." he stopped to take a breath. Lucy tilted her head slightly, just enough to look him in the eyes. Fuck, he wished he could just kiss her and get this over with. Wouldn't that be the best move at this moment?

Big, brown eyes bore into his onyx, he knew it was now or never. So with all the courage he had, he spoke the rehearsed dialog.

"I... I hope you like dragons..." he could feel the blood rush to his face, as he forced his tongue to spill the last of his speech, "Because I'll be... dragon my balls across your face tonight..."

The next few seconds seemed to pass by in a haze; one second he was staring into the paling face of his secret crush, the next he was on the floor, lying in a pool of his own blood. The shrill shrieks of his partner sounded over head, but none of it was registering with the crippled dragon. Before he passed out, the smirking face of Gajeel appeared before him, his laughter booming harshly in his ears.

"Classy, Salamander! Classy!"

And that was the last time Natsu Dragneel took love advise from Loki.

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_**I hope you enjoyed this first chapter! I kinda wanted to make this one about Gajeel at first, but I have so many ideas for him later on! **_

_**Please let me know what you think, I know that this is OOC, but I am more interested in making ridiculous stories than I am keeping everyone in complete character. Let me know if this was a good start! **_

_**~PhWoMp~**_


	3. Chapter Two: Jet

**~The Vastly Inappropriate Exploits Of...~ **

**Chapter Two: Jet**

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_Disclaimer: I do not own fairy tail or any of it's characters._

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He loved to run. It was no surprise to anyone in the guild, considering his magic. He usually started off his day at the crack of dawn with a nice relaxing hour- long jog, followed by a 2 sometimes 3 hour run. It was a great way to unwind. At about 8:30 in the morning, he would quickly and quietly make his way over to the Fairy Hills complex to check on his favourite mage. Of course, she knew nothing about this.

Jet had been secretly peeping on Levi for many years (Obviously excluding the 7 year time jump), and had grown to love the woman even more fiercely in the process. She was the object of his affection for very as long as he could remember, and the thought of losing her again broke his heart. So he decided he would dedicate himself to the task of watching his beloved every morning. When Levi was alone, she would completely let go of all fronts; no more shame, no more insecurities, no more clothes...

Okay, so his real motives were a little more sinister than just checking in on the bubbly bluenette- sew him. He was a devoted, loyal man, and had urges like any other male. He simply decided to handle himself a little more... openly, when it came to those urges. When she had disappeared, so did his only way of relieving himself; he really, truly knew the meaning of 'blue balls'.

This morning started off as every other, he started his jog feeling good. For some reason however, he had this nagging feeling in the back of his mind that maybe he shouldn't go to his lady love; as if there was something potentially dangerous there. That couldn't be, Fairy Hills contained some of the most powerful mages in the guild, including -but not limited to- Erza Scarlet. It wasn't possible for anything dangerous to come within 30 feet of the structure without alerting the women inside. He shook it off and continued forward.

After a nice long run, Jet had nearly finished his morning routine, only one thing remained. With a large grin plastered on his pale face, he made his way to Levi's apartment. As he approached the building, the nagging feeling he had earlier resurfaced, but stronger than before. It was almost powerful enough to waver his deep devotion to his mission, but he managed to find the courage to carry forward to his destination.

He approached the building silently and cautiously, make sure not to make a sound. If any of the woman were to spot him snooping, he was positive he would be castrated on site. He climbed up into his usual spot in a low hanging tree and took a seat. He sat hidden among the branches and leafs and awaited his beautiful goddess to open her window. As he waited, he prepared himself; 5 deep breaths, stretching his fingers, twirling his wrists and undoing his pants. Jet wasn't a foolish man, he was always smart enough to keep his pants on. There could be no greater shame than being caught with your pants around your ankles, except getting busted with your dick in hand. He pushed those thoughts from his mind and concentrated on the window before him, watching her petite silhouette dance across the curtains. This was it, he was about to get what he had been waiting for!

As the curtains slowly started raising, his hand moved swiftly to the south, and his eyes focused with new determination. He could see the beginnings of her creamy legs, the fabric of her light blue panties, the smooth porcelain skin on her back and soon the back of her head. She was a magnificent sight, everything about the small script mage drove him crazy. He started his extra curricular exploration, waiting for the best part of the show- full frontal nudity. Levi turned her head towards the window and smiled, the speed mag leaned forward, his eyes unblinking and his hands hard at work.

"Almost there," he murmured to himself, "Just turn around the rest of the way baby, do it for me."

As if she could hear him, she started to turn around. He could barely contain himself, his hands picked up speed, his eyes widened and his smirk broadened. Just before Jet could get his morning treat, something large obstructed his vision. He was confused, and it took a full minute before he really registered what he was seeing:

A great, big gander at a large, hairy set of male genitalia.

Within seconds, his dick flat lined and his jaw dropped. Who the fuck was in HIS woman's bedroom? Naked none the less! His answer was quickly answered when the bedroom window flew open and a thick, muscular arm dragged him forward- Jet was now face to face with a very pissed looking Gajeel Redfox.

"If you ever come here and peep on the shrimp again, I will be sure to rip that pathetic dick of yours off and feed it to that fat bastard you call 'Droy'. Do I make myself clear?" his deep crimson eyes bore into the frightened man, Jet could barely manage to breath, let alone try to argue. He simply bit his trembling lip and nodded.

"Good boy," a smirk spread across the dragon's face, "I won't tell her what you have been doing, unless I catch you again."

"Ho-ow did y-you manage t-t-to see m-me?" he finally managed to utter, his stuttered doing nothing but forcing a chuckle out of Gajeel.

"You absolutely reek of sweat."

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_**Hope you guys enjoyed this! I know that it's later than expected, but I work nights and sleep during the days , so things are kinda all over the place! **_

_**Happy Canada Day to any Canadian people reading this! **_

_**Let me know if you have any ideas and I will try my best to create a story about it! **_

_**Thanks! **_

_**~PhWoMp~**_


	4. Chapter Three: Loke

**~The Vastly Inappropriate Exploits Of...~**

**Chapter Three: Loke**

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_Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail, or any of it's characters._

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This day started the same as just about any other; a woman on each arm, a cell phone filled with unopened, unread texts and voicemail messages and an irritating tick in the back of his mind. He was sure he was forgetting something today, something rather important.

Oh well. Knowing him, it was probably just another date with another nameless mistress he had managed to pick up.

Loke had a serious addiction; woman. Don't get him wrong, he didn't sleep with all of them, just a handful of his favourites. Like that one chick that he met in the grocery store on Monday... or was it Tuesday? What was her name again? He was pretty sure it started with a 'P'... Or that other one, the girl with the blue-ish purple hair. She was something special. Now, if only he could remember what he labeled her in his cell, he would be totally down for another night or two with her...

Oh yeah! Back to the girls on his arms!

On his right arm, he was sporting a lovely little brunette, about 5'3 with copper eyes and a size 36C chest. Not too shabby, right? However, the lady of the left was more his style. Her long strawberry blonde hair was tied back in a high pony tail, bright blue eyes shimmering in the midday sun, her heels giving her a height of 5'9 and that tight black dress did nothing but promote her luscious curves and mouth watering bust of 36DD. Oh yes, lefty was definitely his prize for the night.

...If he could remember her name...

Fuck. He clearly recalls her mentioning at least a dozen times, and asking her to repeat it again would do no good. If it didn't stick the first hundred times, one hundred and one certainly wouldn't fair any better. As he continued to walk towards a small cafe (the only one he knows Lucy won't step into), the nagging tick returned with a vendetta. _'You better get to the guild_', and '_You're going to rue the day you forgot this_' chimed aggressively in his head. As always though, it took a backseat to the girls now making themselves comfortable at one of the patio tables. He couldn't think of a single reason to return to the guild, not when he was mere hours away from a good time...

...Even better if he can somehow manage the little brunette to join in his fun with the blonde.

For the next thirty minutes, Loke worked his magic. Complimenting the woman ("_Your eyes are like a lighthouse on a foggy night, they guide me from danger and bring glorious light to my otherwise dim life_") and using every dirty trick he had in his arsenal to woo his potential playmates. A few gentle caresses of the cheek and a whole lot of horrendous pick-up lines later ("_There are people who say Disneyland is the happiest place on Earthland. Apparently, none of them have ever been in your arms_"), both women were ensnared, trapped in his enticing notions of love and romance. Just as he was about to take them back to his apartment, a shadow appeared before him and blocked his path.

"Excuse us, sir. We have somewhere important to be," his velvet voice wafted towards the unknown individual, but his eyes remained glued to the blonde. Well, the blonde's chest. It was only after the sound of metal being drawn and a light breezed engulfed him that he finally decided to take a more thorough look at the person.

He was dead. So. Fucking. _**DEAD**_.

Before him stood his grim reaper; a dangerously gorgeous woman clad in her black purgatory Armour, her long crimson hair tied back and sword pointed directly at his throat. The pestering memory of a promise he made finally clicking and registering, giving validation to his earlier worries. For the first time in his life, Loke was at a loss for words. There was no possibility he would survive his encounter with her:

_Erza Motherfucking Scarlet_.

"Loke, you realize what day this is?" growled the red head.

"E-erza! Look, I-I-I c-can explain!" was it just him, or was it getting hotter out here? (*Gulp*)

"I have reminded you every day this week about this. Tell me, _what_ is so important? Explain!"

"I... umm, i-it's a f-funny s-s-story actually, heh-"

There was a sudden flash and three more swords began to float around his head. He took a step back, just to run into the point of yet another blade. The women that had been by his side just moments ago were now gone; for how long, was anyone's guess.

"You weren't thinking of _leaving_ now, were you?" her voice was laced with venom. Her eyes flashed him a warning- _'get talking or I get cutting'_. He gulped, and took a deep breath. He knew this was the stupidest thing he could possibly do, but it could be the only way save his life.

"PLEASE SOMEONE SAVE ME! I'M BEING MUGGED!" The ginger man blasted a beam of light into his guild mates eyes and took the split second distraction to run away.

He swore to himself that he would never miss another annual STD appointment again.

If he lived past this day, that is.

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**I really don't know what to say guys... ummm, sorry? **

**I really want to continue these stories and make them a lot more frequent (one or two every six months doesn't seem like enough), but I need a little more inspiration! **

**Thank you to those who took the time to read this, I promise to update again soon! **

**I have a good computer again (my old laptop didn't have a working 'e', 'i' or backspace button, so you could only imagine the headache that caused me. **

**Anywho! I hope you liked this chapter, I will try to update again in about two days! Please don't forget to leave a comment, question or suggestion in the box below! **

**See Ya! **

**~PhWoMp~ **


	5. Chapter Four: Mirajane Strauss

**~The Vastly Inappropriate Exploits Of...~ **

**Chapter Four: Mirajane Strauss**

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_Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail or any of it's characters._

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Makarov was getting far too old to deal with all of the shenanigans of his children. His once full-bodied, thick hair was quickly fading, his face grew a new wrinkle each day and his blood pressure was through the roof. He loved his children, Mavis knows! Each day seemed to introduce a new challenge; one group decimates an entire town, another defaces a precious religious artifact and others are just over-baring, snarky assholes that require constant supervision. All this responsibility was starting to wear on his frazzled nerves. Bloody hell, they were all practically adults, so why couldn't they act their age?

The old guild master looked at the sheets in his hands and grimaced. Yet more expenses and requests for apologies from towns that were plagued by his brats. At this point in his career, he keeps copies of all of his apologies, just so that he doesn't have to keep writing the same garbage every week. Hmmk! Who was he trying to fool? He would be writing them every goddamn day! Now, back to his paperwork. Thirty thousand jewel for a new town statue that was destroyed by Gajeel, twenty thousand for a new fountain that Natsu obliterated, eighty-eight thousand for a new town hall all thanks to Natsu _and_ Gray, two hundred thousand for guild repairs? To Fairy Tail?! He could practically rebuild the fucking building for that price!

"MIRA!" this has to be some kind of mistake, there is no way that this can be accurate! "Mira! Come here for a moment please!"

It took a few moments for the eldest Strauss sibling to arrive, but when she did, it was with a gentle smile and a soothing 'yes, master?'.

"Mira, would you please look over this bill for me? I'm afraid you must have made some sort of mistake while calculating the guild expenses," she reaches forward and takes the invoice from his hand. Her blue eyes scan the sheets for mere seconds before she slips it back with a shake of her head.

"I'm sorry, master. Those are 100% correct," her smile falters as Makarov's face pales._ Two hundred thousand jewels_... what the **_fuck_** have those brats been _doing_?! He takes a few deep breaths and with a trembling hand, places the bill off to the side.

"And if I may ask, what was the cause of this preposterous debt?" he tried his best to stabilize his voice. He knew without a doubt that this woman was innocent.

"Mostly the brawls. However, we have been seeing a lot of thefts around here-"

His head jolted up. "Thefts? Who the hell would steal from _us_? What have they been taking?!"

"Mostly food, but also a fair number of Lucy action figures," she chirped with a slight smirk tugging at the corner of her lips.

Makarov rested his chin atop his folded hands, reflecting on his current situation. How the hell was he supposed to stop this shit if he hadn't a clue who was behind it? He heard a light cough and returned his focus once again to Mirajane.

"If I may suggest something, master?" her eyes had a mischievous glimmer to them that didn't sit well with him. "We could discreetly install hidden lacrimas and review the footage for the bandits."

"And how much more will this cost me, Mira?" a tight knot was starting to form in his stomach. He didn't even want to imagine how far back that little project would set him.

"Why, nothing at all! I would be willing to fund the entire project myself!"

He almost fainted.

"And what do you want out of this?" Mira is a good girl, and he knew she would do just about anything for the guild and it's mages, however this project couldn't possibly come cheap. And he didn't know anyone that was so generous, there was always a price.

"All I ask is that you keep this between us! Oh, and let me handle the footage," her smile was wide and gave Makarov the shivers. Part of him knew he was going to end up regretting this...

**~X...O...X~**

It had been about three months since Mira had the lacrimas installed, and so far, he loved the results. He was able to review the videos, assess the cost of damages each member inflicted and charge them back. Since he started charging, brawls dropped 15% (which might not seem like much, but those brats fight at least a dozen times a day). He managed to find the culprits behind the missing food (Happy, Natsu, Droy and Laki of all people) and Lucy figurines (Once again, Natsu and for some reason _Erza_?), all in all, things have been great! There was just one small thing that was off about this whole thing...

He noticed a lot more older, creepy men hanging around the alley behind Fairy Tail recently. He had been keeping an eye on them (just incase they tried anything), but so far they weren't doing anything illegal or harmful. They just stood there, waiting. A couple times, he had thought he saw someone pop out of the building and hand something to them before returning to the guild. His curiosity got the best of him and he decided to inquire about lacrimas in the back of the guild.

"I'm afraid not, master!" Mira's smile dipped ever so slightly as she responded to Makarov's question, " It was my understanding that you were more interested with the activities_ inside_ the building, so I only had them installed throughout the inner main areas."

He sighed deep. Well, it was worth a try, but a voice in the back of his mind told him to keep digging. Something seemed off- once or twice he could remember Mira showing him videos of the front of the building, so why wouldn't she have them in the back? He was going to wait until later tonight and check the footage himself.

After quite a few hours of waiting, he could finally come out of his office. The last of the brats where gone and he heard Mirajane lock the guild before departing for the night. He slowly made his way down the stairs and into the basement storage facility, both himself and the busty barmaid had agreed to a small, hidden room within the fresh food portion- they only place they knew no one was sure to look (Let's face it, if people where going to steal food, they were going to steal the good stuff, not 'rabbit food'). He had stopped just shy of the door, focusing some of his energy to check the perimeter for any traps or runes that may have been set. After 5 minutes, he deemed it safe to venture forth, however he still took great care and precaution as he entered.

Nothing could prepare him for this.

There had to be thirty lacrima screens ranging in different sizes scattered around the room, however they all contained, more or less, the same thing; Porn. Not just any porn, but pure, uncensored intercourse starring the mages of Fairy Tail. No screen showed the same couple, they ranged from Bisca and Alzack to Elfman and Evergreen- fuck, she even had a short clip of Max and a _goddamn broom_! Some of these couples he didn't even know were together; he was sure Gray never said anything about having a secret thing for Cana, nor Laxus and Cana... Holy shit, was she fucking Jet as well?! He really needed to talk to that girl about her drinking and promiscuous ways... on second thought, he'd leave that for Gildarts to deal with. And since when did this become such a hot spot for 'get togethers'? This was yet another problem he would have to deal with once this whole ordeal was over. For now though, he needed to return to the real reason he came into this room.

The dazed man stepped towards the console, looking around for any obvious buttons that might trigger the camera he was looking for when something caught his eye. Just slightly past the control panels, in a dark corner where boxes of lacrima videos. Against his better judgment, he stepped forward and turned one on... the face of the cheerful barmaid appeared before him, declaiming this volume one of 'Fairy Tits and Tails'. His jaw dropped as the video transitioned into a extremely hot session of closet sex between Natsu and Lucy. He quickly shut off the lacrima and bolted from the room. It didn't take a genius to put this puzzle together; Mirajane Strauss was selling porn using the cameras she had installed. He decided that he would have them taken down first thing tomorrow morning, but first...

...he needed a drink.

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**Hello everyone! **

**I'm sorry! I totally meant to post this yesterday!**

**I know this seems more of a Makarov centered story, but it was Mira doing the naughty things. **

**Don't flame over couples! There was nothing concrete here! Also just wanted to mention that I love Cana (even though I totally made her a whore in this particular story). **

**Is there anything you want to read about next? Let me know in the box below! Please submit your comments, questions or suggestions and I will respond to them the best that I can! **

**I have a couple ideas for the next chapter, but I want to know what you would prefer more! **

**a) Erza **

**b) Gajeel or **

**c) Lucy **

**Drop a letter or a name and I will do my best to center the next chapter around them! Thanks again for reading! **

**See Ya! **

**~PhWoMp~**


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